


Jack's Christmases Past

by QuarkieSoul



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Christmas, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-25 10:15:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17119451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuarkieSoul/pseuds/QuarkieSoul
Summary: For Jack, like many, Christmas is a complicated time.  This Christmas time he is exhausted and emotionally raw when he is confronted with memories of Charlie and his Dad of Christmases from his past.  Facing grief during the holidays, remembering the good times and making more memories.  Sam and Jack established relationship.





	Jack's Christmases Past

Outside he can see the snow falling. Of course, it’s snowing, it’s 3 days before Christmas and it is exactly the way Christmas is supposed to be.  Only not _where_ they are supposed to be.  He closes his eyes, but sleep still does not come, it’s been 2 days since he has slept more than a couple of hours at a time. It reminds him of some rough missions of his past.  He looks at his watch 11:37pm. He sighs and thinks of the tree at home and the presents still not wrapped, because they thought they had more time.

When he was a child Christmas was a simpler, but good time.  It was always about family; his parents were good at that.  There was not the budget for the number of toys piled under today’s trees. He remembers walking through the woods to look for a tree with his Dad.  There was a warm dinner back at the cabin waiting for them. His brother and sister were making ornaments with their mom, but he was the oldest and got to help his Dad find a tree.  He remembers his Mom’s laugh. The warmth of the fire place.  His memories are now thrown together to make up a one big happy childhood Christmas and it was, but now the memories are a compilation of bits and pieces of many of the Christmases of his youth. Some of Charlie’s blend in too.

Jack does not even realize when he does finally dose off…

_“Dad, let’s go.”_

_“Hold on, Charlie.  The trees aren’t going anywhere.” Sara is trying to find his other glove and her hat before they go out into the freezing Minnesota winter. Suddenly they are appropriately attired and 9-year-old Charlie is bounding ahead of them in the ankle-deep snow evaluating the merit of each tree. Jack reaches for Sara’s hand and smiles at her.  He is so happy to be home for Christmas and here. This is what Christmas is for him, here at the cabin. He has been waiting for the moment when Charlie would be old enough to help him find a tree and chop it down and bring it back. They have 2 weeks here to celebrate Christmas before they all have to get back to their real lives, when he ships out, Sara returns to work, and Charlie is back to school.  Jack banishes all of that from his mind._

_Charlie squeals, “This one, Dad!”_

_“That is way too big, Charlie. We do need to be able to carry it all the way back and get it through the door.”_

_“How tall then?”_

_Jack pulls Charlie’s hand up full over his head as high as it will go with him on his toes.  “This tall.”_

_“That’s not very big.” He pouts, “It’s my birthday, shouldn’t I get to pick what I want.”_

_“It’s a Christmas tree, not a birthday tree, Charlie.” He squeezes the boys head and then Charlie if off and running from tree to tree, measuring to find one close to his stretched-out hand._

_Jack can’t remember a time when he has seen them both so happy.  This memory will carry him for some time on his next deployment. He is hit with a wave of his childhood memories with his Dad; thinking back on his trips to this field with his Dad so many year’s ago. It’s like he can see him standing there._

_“What do you think of this one, Dad?” Jack asks._

_“I think we can handle it together.”_

_“Me too.”_

_Jack pulls a lot of cold air into lungs to stem the tears.  He misses his Dad. He was a good man, who taught him lessons he in a quiet way he is not sure he can pass along to Charlie.  He knows his Dad taught him the importance of teamwork, integrity, compassion, and how to celebrate the moments. Without ever saying those actual words to him.  It was just in the way he lived his life.  He hasn’t thought about his Dad in a long time.  It hasn’t even occurred to him until now how much he wants to share those lessons with his son.  Charlie’s childhood his racing by.  He wants to raise Charlie to be the man, his father had hoped Jack would be.  He wonders if his Dad would approve of the man he is today.  He worries about both the things he has done for his country and that he is away from his family a lot. He hopes his father would still be proud of the man he is; the father he is; the husband he is._

_He is forced from his reverie by a well-aimed snowball._

_“Dad!” Charlie screams and laughs again as Jack tackles him into the snow.  “This one!” Charlie looks up from the ground and points to the one near their heads._

_Jack pulls himself back up from the ground and evaluates the small, but full tree. “Good choice.”_

_Jack does most of the heavy lifting, but he knows Charlie will remember it much differently, because he still believes he was helping his Dad a lot more than he could have been. He hopes Charlie will bring his children here one day and share the cabin with his family.  He hopes he will still be around to see the man he becomes, he needs to find away to come to terms with flying a desk to be a bigger part of his son’s life state-side, before he runs out of luck._

_There is a beeping and Jack looks around, he can’t figure out where it is coming from and slowly the snow and trees disappear,_ and the recycled air and dim lights of the hospital room surround him again. He is up and at the door waving down a nurse quickly.  She just needs to reset the IV.  He knows the beeping. It’s part of the routine they have settled into the past 2 days. The nurse is quick to get to the machine before anyone is disturbed.

Jack heads out to the small room with the coffee machine.  There were cookies there earlier.  He hopes there are still some left. He is a little disappointed when he discovers he has to share the small waiting/break room. The man is much younger than him sitting in one of the chairs. Coffee on the small table next to him.  His hands are over his eyes.

Jack wants to flee, but something brings him to sit down a few seats from the younger man. He knows it is one of those things his Dad would have done.

He takes a sip of the hot-ish coffee and bites the head off of a gingerbread man.  He makes enough noise to alert the man that he is not alone but tries not to disturb him.

The younger man looks up at him and tries to give a _I’m sortof okay_   smile and looks at his watch. The kid probably thinks Jack is someone’s grandpa.

“Not what you expect to be doing at Christmas time, huh?” The younger man engages him.

“Nope.”

“As a Dad, I’m supposed to protect him.” He shakes his head.

Jack is afraid to ask.

“My son.  He’s two.  He climbed the Christmas tree.  It fell on him and he damaged his spleen.  They’re talking about surgery.”

Jack nods and decides to share in turn. “Mine’s three, has that respiratory thing going around.”

“Son?”

“Yeah.”

“This is the hardest thing ever.  I thought the day he was born was tough. We almost lost him.”

Jack nods again. “I wish I could tell you this is as bad as it gets.” He is not going to go into detail.  Not going to tell him that he can barely handle being here in the hospital, on the pediatric floor.  But he will find a way to be JJ’s Dad this Christmas and keep Charlie a little more at arm’s length... some how.

“My wife. She’s amazing. She keeps calling our folks to keep them up to date and even called my boss.  I’m a mess.  I can’t seem to see straight. I’m supposed to be helping her.”

Jack smiles, “Give yourself some time, you’ll get there. What, you can’t be more than 30.”

“Yeah, today.” He holds up his watch sadly. “I hope you’re right. So, not your first?” He guesses.

Jack doesn’t even think when he answers, “Third. JJ’s sister is almost 7, at home and texting us instructions on the proper care of her brother from her Aunt’s phone.”

“That’s adorable.”

“Yeah, I suppose it is.”

“JJ is the one with the respiratory virus?”

“Yeah.”

“And, your third?”

“My son from my previous marriage.” So much for holding Charlie at arm’s length today. He is trying to figure out how to not lie and not make it worse for this kid. He doesn’t need to think about the mortality of a child.

“So, he’s older?”

“Thirty today.” Jack finds his voice but can’t seem to find it for the remaining words. _‘If he had not died, when he was ten.’_

“Wow, I can’t imagine having 7 and 4 year old siblings, how cool.”

“Yeah, I suppose.” Jack smiles thinking about it that way.

“We have a second due in 4 months.”

“Congratulations.” Jack tries to think of something to say to help the young man, but he is barely putting words together with this talk of Charlie. “What’s your son’s name?”

“Danny.”

Jack laughs and the man looks at him strangely. “Sorry, I have an accident-prone best friend named Daniel.”

“Ah.”

“Great guy and has made it well into adulthood, despite his incidents.” He knows he needs to find the words to help this kid, that’s what made him sit down. “Look, I know this is a rough time.  My Dad used to say ‘celebrate the moments’. I didn’t really appreciate that until it was a bit late for my oldest. I know they are not all good moments; but no matter what, those moments will stay with you and ground you.  Hey, you don’t even really need a spleen. Danny will pull through." He made light, because that is what he does. But he doesn't know this kid and he doesn't know him, "You’ll be there to help your wife through this too.  You’ll both be stronger for it.” He hoped for better for this kid than he had done with Sara.

“You really think so?”

Jack nodded. “Hope and faith is all we have as Dads.  There are no certainties.  We would go nuts if we could only think about the possibilities.”

“I guess so.”

“Charlie! He’s going to be alright! He doesn’t need surgery!” A very excited young, pregnant woman ran in and Charlie jumped up and hugged his wife.

“Best birthday present ever!” He said into his wife’s shoulder. “Come on, you should lay down and get some sleep.” He took charge caring for her, but first reached for Jack’s hand. “Thanks, I really appreciate it-?”

“Jack,” He croaked out as he stood. Looking at a 30-year-old Charlie.  Not his Charlie, but it could have been. This is what could have been. What should have been for his Charlie.

“Thanks, Jack.” Charlie looked into his eyes and shook his hand. Then he grabbed his coffee and his wife’s hand. “I’m gonna celebrate the moments from here on out.”

 “I’m sure you’ll do great.”

Charlie nodded and smiled at his wife and they left.

Jack sat back in the chair.  He could have been a grandfather by now.  Wasn’t that an… interesting thought. That his son could be married. He covered his eyes and a couple of tears fought their way through. He thought back to Charlie’s giggles in the snow as they made their way back to the cabin all of those year’s ago. _‘I’m sorry, I tried to not think of you today, kiddo.  I’m sorry you didn’t get the life you deserved. I miss you every day, still.’_ He talked to him in his head space.

He wiped his face and stood and threw away the empty paper cup and let the memories in.  The candles on the cake with the Christmas lights in the background, seeing video of him dancing in a diaper when he was deployed, sledding down the hills, hiking and fishing in the summer, and helping him paint an ocean background for one of his school projects.  He walked back to the room cataloging Charlie’s moments.

When he arrived back to the room, it was as he had left it, the lights were low, Sam asleep on the couch, and JJ in the hospital bed.  He looked a lot better today.  They were past the worst of it.  If he had been honest with that kid, Charlie; his story was much the same. Jack had not been doing well.  Sam was having to worry too much for him and that guilt on top of his worry and grief had been a big stress for her. She bore it incredibly well. He was a lucky man.

He kissed JJ’s head. His temperature was almost normal again.  He would climb up into that bed and hold him if he thought he would not disturb his rest.  He would wait until they were home and make sure to appreciate it next time JJ climbs into their bed in the middle of the night and cuddles. 

Jack moved over to the couch and nudged Sam.  He guided her up, so he could sit, and she could rest against him and he could hold her. She opened her eyes and looked up into his.  He wrapped his arms around her.

“JJ?” She asked out of habit.

“Fever is still down at 99.5.  Oxygen levels are normal. Sleeping well.”

She sighed her relief and looked into his eyes, “Are you alright?”

“Yeah.” He thought about not burdening her, but he wanted to share it with her, “It’s Charlie’s birthday.” He lifted his watch to show her it was after midnight.

She bolted upright, she had forgotten. “Oh Jack, I’m sorry!”

“It’s alright. You know he would have been 30 today.” She looked a little surprised. “Go ahead and say it.”

“My God, you’re old.” She teased and settled back into his arms.

He smiled and kissed her head. “I love you too.”

She smiled at him. “30. He could have been-”

“Married? With a kid or two? Yeah, that had crossed my mind.”

Sam brought her hand up to his face. “You’re really okay?”

“Yeah.  I was remembering my Dad too. Somethings I never really put together. I guess I was too young and busy to think about it before.”

“With age, comes wisdom.”

“Shush woman.” He took a deeper breath and settled back into the couch, “I want to spend next Christmas at the cabin.  I want to share my Christmas traditions with you and the kids.”

“I’d like that.”

She squeezed the arm holding her. “I love you, Jack.” But she realized by his breathing he was sleeping. She settled back into the couch against him.

 

* * *

 

Grace and JJ bounded ahead of them in the Minnesota snow. It was deeper than usual, and the walk up here had been a bit more taxing, but so worth it.

“This one, Dad!” His daughter exclaimed, pretending to wrap her arms around it.  JJ was sizing up the tree.

“Smaller, Grace.” Jack ordered.

“But I love it.” JJ turned with sad eyes to his parents.

Jack looked it over.  It was a bit taller than him. He looked to Sam. “What do you think?”

“I think we can handle it together.”

He smiled at her. “Me too.”

“Me three.” Grace said.

“Me four!” JJ chimed in and he and Grace doubled over laughing, since he was now four.

In his head, Jack heard, _“Me five.”_ In Charlie’s 9-year-old voice.  “Yeah, we’ve got this.”  He said to his family and they got to work.

* * *

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to my fellow Stargate fans.

 


End file.
